Sharknado premiered last night on SyFy. In the film, a freak hurricane transfers thousands of sharks inland so that they can eat white people in Southern California. Tara Reid and that guy from 90210 do some stuff, but come on. The movie is called SHARKNADO: you aren’t watching this masterpiece for the acting roles. If your goals for Sharknado involved any combination of sharks, sharks eating people, people stabbing sharks, people shooting sharks, gratuitous boobage, flying sharks, falling sharks, explosions, or intentional unintentional comedy, then Sharknado had you covered.
You can go anywhere to get the scoops on Sharknado’s intricate plot, but here are some major details to simply quench your fresh-water-shark thirst.
1) It all starts with global warming
There’s a freak hurricane, and also violent sharks, and also tornadoes, and also the sharks are smart and evil now. All of these things must be a pretty tough order to explain, right? Au contraire, Sharknado doesn’t try to be a hero with its explanations of God’s wrath. Human beings have WARMED THE EARTH ONE TIME TOO MANY! And now evil sharks are our punishment. Sharknados were one of the plagues against Egypt, right? It went frogs, plague, sharknado…drout? Maybe it’s drought then Sharknado, but that wouldn’t make sense since the Sharknado would end the drought…hmm.
2) Sharknado will live forever in gif form
Hint: if you see any gifs of humans battling sharks via weapons not usually used to battle sharks, you can probably guess they came from Sharknado.
3) John Heard steals the film
After Sharknado, John Heard will no longer be the dad from Home Alone. Oh no, instead, John Heard will be the drunk guy with the stool from Sharknado! Ironically, Heard plays a black-out drunk in the film, yet still manages to deliver his lines better and more effortlessly than Tara Reid, the main guy who looks like Rick form Walking Dead, Rick’s daughter who looks like a girl I went to college with, the brunette who exists, and the Australian guy who didn’t need to be in the film.
4) No one is talking about the film’s best scene
Yes, Rick chainsaws his way out of a shark, and that’s pretty rad. Buy in a movie like Sharknado¸ it’s unfair to give the humans too much credit. No, the film’s unsung hero is a shark that manages to use its mouth to bite its way up a rope so that it can eat more people. That scene made me laugh so hard that I woke up my sleeping cat. God speed, daredevil shark.
5) Sharknado Nation will forever stay strong
I was listening to a podcast last week, and one of the guys mentioned that ironic comedy was on its way out. Instead, he stated that people are now comfortable liking things that are bad, not because they’re being ironic, but because the thing itself is just awesome. Sharknado is awesome. When Netflix buys the rights to the film for seventeen dollars and a pack of Twizlers, Sharknado season will never have to end.