Being At Home Sucks, Living At Home Rules

Being stuck at home with your parents is a fate worse than death.

I was luckier than most of my fellow English majors in that I managed to secure a job (This job!) shortly after I graduated. I went about ten days between graduation and work, and those days at home were the worst. I hated being stuck back at my parent’s house. But then I went in for my first day’s labor and it was like everything changed in an instant…

Being at home without a job

Being stuck at home with your parents is a fate worse than death. After four years of college in which I proved I could feed, bathe, and breathe all by myself, I return home to a parental unit that doesn’t seem to know any of that.

Parents let you go when you’re still a dorky teenager, and they never learn to see you as anything more than that. Yes, when I left home four years ago I may have been a risk to light myself on fire if I tried to use the laundry machine unsupervised. But in those four years since, I’ve grown quite a bit. I swear that I now know that actions have consequences, and that if I stay out late I may be tired at work the next day.

I didn’t text mom and dad where I was going when I was in college. One time I drove 500 miles in one day. I didn’t “check in” with them even once! I made it safely. So why is it that now that I’m closer to my parents than ever, it’s so important I provide detailed notes on everything I do?

And don’t even get me started on the social stigma I face. What kind of girl swoons at the idea of “heading back to my parent’s place” for some coffee? My economic ruin has led to my social isolation as well.

This is a joke. The second I get a job in this crummy market, I’m getting a place of my own. Screw saving money, I want to be treated like an adult again.

Living at home with a job

Now hold on just a second. You’re telling me that I don’t have to pay for anything? Like, the bed, and the car, and the food, and the laundry – I can just have that? You’re crazy. I don’t believe you.

I’m only home like 12 waking hours a week, why the hell would I want to waste my first week’s salary each month rent out some box in the middle of nowhere when I have this? Every night I return home to my luxurious chateau, talk about the day with the rents (work was great!), eat some free food, play around the cats, confirm that I like the new pants my mom bought for me, and then go to bed.

Most weekends I spend sleeping, or at someone else’s house. Everyone is too busy praising me for my job to care at all where I live. Doesn’t everyone live at home? Me and all my fellow Millennials? Hell, I’m a gainfully employed writer. I should be deemed the Millennial King.

Girls think my place is cool. They totally respect me saving money. My parents are super nice anyways; any girl that can’t deal with them isn’t the one for me.

Here’s a crazy idea: I save my money, eat on my parents dime, and maybe clean up my room a bit to show I’m grateful. Even if I don’t help around, it’s fine. My mom knows how busy a working man like me is; she doesn’t mind making my life a little easier.

Living at home is the best; I just need to figure out what to do with all this money I don’t use. I’m thinking Bitcoins.

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