Herpes Monkeys Terrorize Florida

Of those 1,000 Florida Herpes Monkeys, over 700 have tested positive for the Herpes-B virus, because of course they have.

A Florida tour guide accidentally let loose a pack of Rhesus monkeys into the Florida wilderness in 1930. Because animal extinction is overblown, that small pack of monkeys now accounts for the 1000-plus specimen that live in the Florida wilderness. Of those 1,000 Florida Herpes Monkeys, over 700 have tested positive for the Herpes-B virus, because of course they have.

Herpes does not appear to affect the infected monkeys much, but if said monkeys are able to infect humans with their strain, it could lead to a newer, stronger form of the herpes virus than ever before seen. The fear of infection stems from the monkey’s aggressive attitude toward intruders on their land. The aggressive herpes monkeys have been throwing their own feces at tourists which health officials fear may transmit the disease.

Even worse, the monkeys have recently learned to swim, and now are able to travel further inland towards humans. A full-blown monkey herpes epidemic may be on the way.

I often think of websites I’d like to start someday. One of those sites is ChinaFloridaOrGermany.com. CFG would be a news and entertainment site, not unlike Carbonated, except that every story would involve China, Florida, or Germany.

From my time writing here, I have deduced that 95% of weird things that happen on planet Earth take place in one of these three places. The site would simply present the news article, and then asks readers to guess from which of the three lands the story game. Herpes Monkeys throwing poop is Florida. Here are some more examples. Play along at home!

1) In this area, parents can sue their children for not spending time with them. China, Florida, of Germany?

2) This area accidentally banned the ownership of cell phones. China, Florida, or Germany?

3) A man from this place stockpiled 38,000 cigarettes in fear the government would ban them. China, Florida, or Germany?

 

Carbonated.TV
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