A recent quiz article posted on the Huffington Post about “secret introverts” has inspired millions of impressionable people to believe that they are, in fact, secret introverts. The introvert has become the cool thing to be, with previous introvert symptoms like not having friends, and not being particularly interesting changed to being deeply inspired and inwardly focused. And what a surprise, now that introverts are the cool thing to be, a “scientist” has decided that you may be an introvert without even knowing it!
You aren’t. Sorry. Let’s run down the list. For reference, most people would probably say I’m an extrovert. I think the terms are meaningless and stupid, but there’s your reference.
You find small talk incredibly cumbersome.
Small talk, by definition, is awkward and lousy.
You go to parties -– but not to meet people.
I believe that just makes you an alcoholic
You often feel alone in a crowd.
Note the “often”. Ya, I’m sure there was the one time at that party that you felt SUPER lonely, and had to go write on your Tumblr about it. Usually, I doubt crowds actually may you feel loneliness. If they do, that’s probably some sort of weird brain thing you should get help for.
Networking makes you feel like a phony.
They just lose me here. I LOVE to network! It’s like, making friends that can help you skip steps up the corporate ladder!
You've been called "too intense."
I’m pretty sure the last time someone used the term “too intense” it was a commentator at X-Games 2003.
You're easily distracted.
Oh ya, ADHD cases. Everyone knows how much those guys love to spend time being quiet by themselves.
Downtime doesn’t feel unproductive to you.
THIS IS JUST WHAT BEING LAZY IS
Giving a talk in front of 500 people is less stressful than having to mingle with those people afterwards.
I just don’t think too many people have done the first part. I have. The two are both pretty stressful.
When you get on the subway, you sit at the end of the bench -– not in the middle.
You start to shut down after you’ve been active for too long.
I mean, I do that, but it’s because I don’t handle low blood sugar very well. What does my hypoglycemia mean about my social availability?
Speaking of which, I’m getting tired of mocking this crappy article. I’ll go over the second half tomorrow.