The cuddliest of all Kims has been in news lately for the Sony hack scandal. But, as news from N. Korea confirms, this is just another feather in his hat.
Here is a roundup of all of Kim’s crazy antics to reiterate his status as a demigod/top badass/ Jesus reincarnate.
Wins vote by 100%. Always.
Earlier this year, Kim called elections in his country. With Himself as the sole candidate. He won, with 100% of the votes. Although some might attribute it to the absence of any opposition parties, we put it up on Kim’s irresistible charisma and undeniable charms.
For Kim, there’s no such thing as too much cheese
Forever a perpetuator of positive body image, Kim doesn’t believe in not eating what makes him
painfully fat happy.
So he feeds himself his favorite Swiss cheese. Unimaginably great quantities of it. So much of cheese that the supreme leader has reportedly developed a limp in his leg, and a ballooned figure. But Kim, declared the sexiest man on Earth by The Onion, is #fab. He continues to import cheese from Switzerland while millions in his country starve.
If Kim cannot have it, no-one else will
Given his deplorable human rights record, it might come as a surprise that Kim’s love is extended to humans. But the supreme commander of the Korean People’s Army pulls off super-human tasks, just like that. He was once in love with a certain North Korean dame.
Post-breakup, Kim was filled with grief, denial, hopelessness, like any other normal human being. So he did what any other person would do. He allegedly had his ex executed.
But let’s be fair, Kim probably thought he was doing her a favor by ending a life deprived of His Glorious Presence.
Kim can pull off a bad hair day. Any day.
But that is an understatement. Our Respectable Leader is perhaps the only person to be able to score bad hair weeks. Months, even. His magnificent hairdo has managed to offend millions of people since Kim made his first public appearance. His hairpiece alone could be used as a weapon of mass destruction, against the enemies of the nation, against the collective sanity of the human race.
THE GUY JUST BROUGHT SONY TO ITS KNEES
While his underachieving namesake, Kim K, was failing miserably in trying to break the internet, our Kim managed to (reportedly) hack Sony’s website, reveal embarrassing, hate-filled emails exchanged by the heads and upload AN ENTIRE MOVIE ONLINE.
This, because Sony dared to portray our leader in a negative light. So Kim did what was necessary to stop this ‘act of terrorism’, as his government itself called it.
At just 31, when most of you are contemplating what to do with the rest of your lives, and concerned about receding hairlines and ebbing fertility, Our Leader managed to get Hollywood to pull out a major movie. Seriously guys, kneel before him.
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The guy has serious plans to take over the universe. It’s high time we accept Him as Supreme Leader and Father of the People of the World.