There’s nothing worse than being in an abusive relationship. The torture, the pain and the grief of being in a relation that’s bringing you nothing but bruises and scars is something that we can’t even imagine.
If we see anyone who is bearing such inhuman behavior, the first thing we ask is that why are you in this relationship and we instantly assume the abusive partner as a coward which is natural and is the right thing to do.
But what we haven’t ever done is to think from the point of view of an abuser, probably we never felt the need of doing so. What this person is doing is unquestionably wrong and inhuman, so there’s no point of thinking about the abuser and his issues.
But today a post on Reddit made me ponder over the fact that what are the causes an abusive relationship and what the abuser goes through while being in that relationship
He began by telling how his rage and anger ended up making him a coward, physically abusing his partner. There were times he realized that he had turned into a monster, he apologized, and he promised that he would control his anger but the abusive cycle continued.
At one point mentioned the grief he went through after seeing her in pain:
Every time I did this, after I calmed down and saw I'd hurt and scared her, I felt like a fucking monster. I'm sure you've heard of the Kübler-Ross model, commonly known as the "Five Stages of Grief". I would go immediately into denial, trying to convince myself it wasn't as bad as it seemed, that somehow my actions were justified. I would get angry again, although not enraged like before, angry that she couldn't understand what she was doing to me, making me that way. I would try to bargain with her, telling her that if she only wouldn't say such unkind words, I wouldn't get that angry. I would break down and sob (depression), telling her how sorry I was, begging for her forgiveness. But I never reached acceptance, because I didn't understand what was happening to me. I was terrified of my capacity for rage and violence, something I'd never known was in me.
What inspired me about this person is the fact that he knew he was wrong and he admitted it. He knew he couldn’t remain the same forever and looked for solutions, and one of which was that he let his partner go, he relieved her and set about working on his shortcomings and fixing his issues.
He wrote:It was all my fault. I had an unfulfilled need to be in the driver's seat of the relationship? My fault. I was wasting my life, getting by with the bare minimum, never seeking excellence? My fault. I grew angry with my girlfriend when she refused to grant me the respect and love I craved, but had done nothing whatsoever to earn? My. Goddamn. Fault.
It was a bitter pill to swallow, but for once in my life, I manned up and took it. I reached acceptance at last.
Your past, your present and even your future always have an effect on your personality. The question is: Can we entirely blame a person who’s an abuser? Someone who realizes his horrible actions tries to overcome his shortcomings and look for solutions, is it right to hate that person entirely?
And the most important part; this guy shared his experience in a post similar to his comment, just to be helpful. Someone who accepts his mistake, in front of everyone with no personal reason, how is that person a coward?
I’ll leave this on you to decide. Share your thoughts with us in the comments section below.
Read his entire comment over here.