Let’s get something out of the way: I hate pandas. I don’t hate pandas for anything they do; it’s what pandas don’t do that makes them so awful. In particular, pandas don’t like to mate or reproduce. Chinese pandas continue to approach extinction, which is a bummer except for the fact that they really aren’t helping themselves out. Along with actively avoiding sexual reproducing, it seems that pandas are incapable of raising twins. Instead, the mother panda will pick one of the two panda babies to raise, and ignore the other one, leaving it to die. Pandas are the worst.
Whoever the guy is that studies panda twins must be having a monster day, as a giant Chinese panda at an Atlanta zoo expectantly gave birth to twin panda babies today. The giant Chinese panda was artificially inseminated several months ago (Remember, Pandas hate sex!) and surprisingly gave birth to two panda babies this morning. Workers at the zoo only expected one panda baby, but did not rule out a possibility of twins.
As mentioned, panda mothers can’t handle raising more than one child. In the wild, a panda mother will choose one of the two twin babies to care for, leaving the other to die. To skirt this panda reproduction malfunction, the baby pandas will be cycled in and out of the mother’s care so that she raises each one. Luckily, pandas are also too stupid to decipher one baby from another.
To be fair, the panda mother, Lun Lun is an all-star in the high-stakes panda-birthing game. The two unnamed panda babies are the fourth and fifth children from mother Lun Lun and her sperm-donating “mate” Yang Yang. Quick, name another animal that would be world-renowned for giving birth to five kids in fifteen years.
Best wishes to the new panda babies. As is Chinese custom, the two panda babies will receive names in 100 days. Hopefully, one of the new panda babies will shatter the panda mold by being interested in sex. You know, like literally every other mammal on earth.