by Andy Borowitz
The Taliban have embarked on a sophisticated information war, using modern media tools as well as some old-fashioned ones, to soften their image. . . . The dictates include bans on suicide bombings against civilians, burning down schools, or cutting off ears, lips and tongues. —The Times.
Isn’t it time you took another look at . . . the Taliban™?
Not your father’s Taliban™. The New Taliban™. TalibanLite™.
We know what you’re thinking: “The Taliban™? Aren’t they the dudes who blow up shit and cut off body parts?”
LOL! You’re thinking of the Old Taliban™.
How do we know what you’re thinking?
You’re, like, “Focus groups? Since when do the Taliban™ do focus groups?”
We’re, like, “Since Domino’s Pizza started doing them.”
You told Domino’s their crust tasted like cardboard and their sauce tasted like ketchup. Harsh, right? But your criticism only made their pizza much tastier. At the New Taliban™, we want to be the Domino’s of extremists.
So we held focus groups in caves across Afghanistan, only instead of talking about crust and sauce you talked about the things you didn’t like about us, like the way we explode things without warning and cut off ears, lips, and tongues. And you know what? It hurt to hear you say that stuff. But we’re big boys. We can take it. We sent your opinions down the hall to the guys in marketing, and this is what they came back with:
TalibanLite™: We’re Cutting Out the Cutting™.
Ears? History. Lips. Done-zo. Tongues? So 2001. If there’s a part of your body we don’t like, we’ll just defriend it. O.K., maybe we’ll cut off a little toe. Not the big one, mind you, but maybe the itty-bitty one. Come on, you weren’t using that one anyway.
Psych! Ha-ha, just messing with you. That’s one thing about the New Taliban™ that may take some getting used to: our twisted sense of humor.
Another thing you said you didn’t like: how we blow shit up when there’s people inside it.
You spoke, we listened.
Schools? Fuhgeddaboudit. Marketplaces swarming with innocent civilians? No fucking way. We’re still going to blow up ginormous statues of Buddha, though. That shit is epic, in a Michael Bay kind of way.
O.K., we know what you’re asking yourself: “If the New Taliban™ isn’t about cutting off body parts and blowing shit up, what is it about?”
Answer: free podcasts.
That’s right. Once a week, download Mullah Omar and his posse of theocrats spittin’ mad chatter from their hideout in the mountains near Tora Bora. What will they be talking about? More like, what won’t they be talking about! Movies, video games, Sharia law. And music. The New Taliban™ is all about playlists. Get a taste of the tunes Mullah Omar’s grooving to, from “Livin’ on a Prayer” to “Everybody Must Get Stoned.”
Got an iPhone? Then you’ll want to download our smokin’ new app, TaliBing™, which shows you your exact location (but not ours—LOL). And log on to our new social-networking site, CoveredFacebook™, where you can play such addictive new games as InfidelWars™ and Jihadville™.
Podcasts, apps, games: we know that’s what you want. And you know how we know?
We have spies in your village writing down everything you say.
Punk’d! Ha-ha, just messing with you again. That was another twisted joke, like the cutting-off-the-toe thing. We told you, the New Taliban™ is crazy, yo! Well, the Old Taliban™ was crazy, too, but not crazy ha-ha.
O.K., we know what you’re thinking: “With all these changes, I hope you haven’t changed stuff that I liked about the Old Taliban™. Like the seventy-two virgins. I loved the seventy-two virgins.”
Well, get ready for this. Today’s Taliban™: now with ninety-six virgins.
We told the boys in marketing about that, and they went fucking nuts. And here’s what they came back with:
TalibanLite™: More Virgins, Less Killing™.
Genius, right? Because that’s what we’re about. That’s who we are.
Not your father’s Taliban™. The New Taliban™. The 2010 Taliban™.
You know you love us.
Follow us, won’t you?
We’re on Twitter. ♦
Read more: http://www.newyorker.com/humor/2010/03/08/100308sh_shouts_borowitz#ixzz0h1IkDtB7