Obama Issues Executive Order To Take Guns Away From Straight Males

by
Owen Poindexter
In an unexpected announcement, President Obama told a stunned press corps that he is issuing an executive order to the Department of Homeland Security to remove all firearms, by force if necessary, from every American straight male.

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President Obama walked off with a self-satisfied strut after his shocking announcement. PHOTO: Reuters
 
In an unexpected announcement, President Obama told a stunned press corps that he is issuing an executive order to the Department of Homeland Security to remove all firearms, by force if necessary, from every American straight male:
 
"Look, we have decades, centuries even, of social science to work from. The verdict is in, and heterosexual men, we're the ones committing the vast majorities of violent crimes, and today I'm taking away their weapons. Every male in this great country will have a simple choice: give up your firearm, or register as gay with the federal government."
 
Many reporters had questions about what federal gay registration would entail.
 
"We have made the process as easy as possible. The simplest way is to simply tweet your name to the White House twitter account with the hashtag #I'mGay. You can also register through a new "I'm Gay" section of WhiteHouse.gov. Now, the Justice Department will have every right to challenge the homosexuality of any registered gays that have shown no indications of being gay in the past. You have to earn it is what I'm saying."
 
Law enforcement teams will gradually phase out weapon-carrying straight males for a team of only women and gay males. Same goes for the military, who will have no straight male combat units by the year 2022.

"We are moving this country toward peace one step at a time," said the President. "April 1st 2013 will go down as a day we took a large but inevitable step of removing all firearms from heterosexual males."

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