“Prime Day.” We had such high hopes for you. We put off buying that USB cable, biology textbook, and/or 8-pack of undies—just so that we could make the most of you. And all for naught.
It's July 15th, the promised day, and would-be Amazon shoppers are ticked off in the way only people expecting a solid shopping experience can be. Doesn’t sound too bad? Think about Black Friday, and how a little bit of customer competition so often turns literally violent.
Be afraid. Be very afraid.
Turns out the Black Friday battledome analogy isn’t unwarranted. Amazon had itself promoted the 24-hour "Amazon Prime Day" sale with the promise of “more deals than Black Friday,” and major sales in electronics, home appliances, and baby products. People were pumped.
Turns out the site’s “Lightning Deals” were more “halfhearted drizzle.”
Here are some of the most facepalm-worthy deals Amazon attempted to shill as “dynamite offers.”
1) Walkmans, which haven’t been in vogue since, like, 1992.
"I'll give you $3 for this Walkman." "What am I gonna do with a Walkman?" "IDK man, it's 79% off" #AmazonPrimeDay— Son of Meelz (@MeelzTV) July 15, 2015
2) Airplane seat belt extenders
Among the Amazon prime deals today: an airplane seat belt extender (71% claimed). "Oh, I brought my own, thanks."— Meg Nesterov (@thenotoriousmeg ) July 15, 2015
3) Antarctic krill oil
4) A shoehorn
5) "Beard growther"
Just bought beard grower for @amazon prime day. Judge me.— Jake Boyles (@JakeBoyles) July 15, 2015
6) Automatic can openers
When Amazon would recommend a can opener at 3 am..— JesseA (@JesseA08) July 5, 2015
7) Chef hats
I pay $99/yr for Amazon to pitch me a discounted Roomba, chef's hat, liver detox pills and beard growth extender #PrimeDayFail— Faith Antion (@faithantion) July 15, 2015
8) Menopause pills
9) This decorative frog
10) Dog muzzles
11) And balaclavas
Damn i missed the 2-pack balaclava pic.twitter.com/AnHZgvgpop— L Boogs (@waterblocknyc) July 15, 2015
On the plus side, the debacle has led to some “prime” (get it?) Twitter humor:
Now whenever something in my life goes wrong or I have a bad day, I'll say I had a #primeday.— Mia Taylor (@MiaTaylor) July 15, 2015
"When I die I want whoever's responsible for #AmazonPrimeDay to lower me into my grave so they can let me down one last time." - Unknown— Mmmm, tasty (@HitEm20) July 15, 2015
So what I'm getting out of this is that #PrimeDay is some sort of postmodern experiment to see if disappointment can be quantified.— Brad Williams (@FuriousBrad) July 15, 2015
#PrimeDay is like when your friend claims he's throwing an epic party but you show up and there's only a 6-pack and a bowl of Cheetos— Greg Andersson (@Andersson_Greg) July 15, 2015
If I wanted a garage sale I would go down the street... #PrimeDay— Mike Ginn (@_akamike) July 15, 2015
Amazon has responded to the backlash with a show of consummate denial:
“Prime Day has been exciting so far.”
It’s also insisted that pelting the public with underwhelming deal was the intention all along, to weed out the weak and undeserving or something?
"We have years of experience with these types of events and we stagger the deals to make sure the fun will last through tonight."
In Amazon’s defense, the better deals were devoured in the blink of an eye.
But we put that caveat at the end because #AmazonFailDay (we thee dub) is not a day for mercy.