Ted Cruz Suddenly Realizes That He Is Insane

by
Owen Poindexter
Ted Cruz changed his tune for one (fictional) moment: “Don’t quote me on this, but boy have I been crazy lately,” said Cruz (R-Tex.). “I mean we told a bunch of scientists to stop researching cancer for reasons that honestly escape me right now.”

ted cruz, tea party, government shutdown, debt ceiling, obamacare
Ted Cruz has said a lot of wacky things these past few weeks (not to mention his entire political career), but to be clear, this article is a work of fiction.

A small cluster of reporters wandered over to Ted Cruz as he left the Senate floor, hoping to pick up a quote for the stories they were about to file.

“Don’t quote me on this, but boy have I been crazy lately,” said Cruz (R-Tex.). “I mean we told a bunch of scientists to stop researching cancer for reasons that honestly escape me right now.”

A few more reporters wandered over. It seemed Cruz was giving one of his impromptu press conferences.

“Do you stand by your stance that we should only fund the government if we defund Obamacare?” chirped Mike Allen of Politico.

“Stand by it? Mike I’ve done enough standing lately. That 13 hour speech that you watched all of—I don’t even know what the heck I was saying! At one point, I was thinking, gee, I’m hungry, and I started thinking about what I would have for dinner. I realized I didn’t know what I had just been talking about, so I thought, I know, I’ll bring up the Nazis! It was offensive nonsense, but hey, I know my base. That guy who waved the Confederate Flag in front of the White House? He’s my base.”

“But seriously,” Cruz added, “I woke up today and started laughing at some of the stuff I’ve said the last few weeks. Oh sure,” said Cruz, adopting a monster voice and raising his hands like large paws, “let’s damage the entire world economy so me and my buddies can try to pretend Obama never got elected! What am I, nuts? Let me ask you guys a question for once, can you think of anyone with as much power as me who says stuff like that? Don’t answer that, I see a few of them now.”

The reporters were silent for a beat, baffled about what to ask the Tea Party leader.

“So, what exactly are you up to?” tried Robert Costa of the National Review Online.

“Performance art,” said Cruz, and then he laughed heartily. “No, just kidding. Listen, I’m going to take a good long walk and think about that. If this whole thing has taught me anything, it’s that I need to settle down a little. I mean, our healthcare system is broken. It’s expensive as hell, and it doesn’t provide first-rate care. Obamacare seems like a bad way to fix it, but hey, it’s an attempt. Let’s give it a year or three to get fully up and running and see how it shakes out.”

With that, Cruz began whistling a merry tune and walked out of the Capitol and into the D.C. twilight hours.

Oh, and in case you’re confused, none of this happened. Ted Cruz is still the Ted Cruziest guy out there. Still, it’s fun to dream, isn’t it?

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