It's the one hundredth day of Donald Trump's presidency, and America is truly great again!
[Note: Under new libel laws, all press statements about the Great Leader must be positive.]
To all you doubters out there: Yes, the Trump Wall is up, and yes, Mexico paid for it. Mexican guards even staff the Wall – to keep fleeing Americans from crossing the border.
President Trump's immigration reforms are huge. He has banned not only Muslims and Mexicans, but also other undesirables like racial minorities, handicapped people, vegans, and women "below a 7." By deporting millions of unwelcome newcomers, he’s clearing jobs for real (white) Americans. Businesses can’t even find enough people to take them! True, our economy is plummeting, but that’s the immigrants’ fault too. We aren’t sure how, but it is.
Our education system is great. Under the new "America First" curriculum, students no longer study useless subjects like world history, foreign languages, or geography. Trump has reissued classic textbooks from the 1950's to protect young minds from sissy liberal propaganda like civil rights, feminism, and "science." Secretary of Education David Duke emphasizes character-building. With public schools remodeled after Trump University, we can be sure funding problems are over forever.
Foreign relations have never been better. Trump and Vladimir Putin are polar bear hunting buddies. Even Kim Jong-un admires our president for his "godlike ego." The Middle East? Solved! Because a lot of the Middle East is gone. Upon receiving the nuclear launch codes, Trump did indeed "bomb the s*** out of ISIS” — and several surrounding countries just to be sure. The majestic Trump Desert stretches across what was once Syria, Iraq, Jordan, and part of Turkey. Just ignore all those threats of retaliation; NATO can't really mean it.
Yes, America is on top again. Our troops kill more people in a day than anyone could have hoped. By doubling last year’s measly ($600 billion) military budget, reinstituting the draft, and offending new countries every day, Trump creates jobs for those who serve.
Here are just a few of the president's many other improvements:
- The 12-inch "King's foot" is now a Trump "hand."
- The Supreme Court has been replaced with a dueling ring.
- The President appointed Ivanka Trump Secretary of State, “because she’s smoking hot.”
- The Trump Coif is the trendiest hairstyle among young people nationwide.
The silent majority has shouted its will, and now we have the president we deserve. Congratulations, America, for making democracy proud!
Thumbnail Image Credit: Twitter @latest_com
Banner Image Credit: Twitter @mirikramer