This has been another crazy news week. We had a military coup in Egypt. The Edward Snowden saga took a weird turn involving Bolivian President Evo Morales getting rerouted mid-flight. China introduced a strange law to force people to visit their parents. Now ask yourself, what if all that happened in the United States? Here is your “Let’s Pretend It All Happened in America,” news roundup:
Military Coup in America
President Obama was deposed today after months of protests calling for him to step down. General Martin E. Dempsey, the Joint Chiefs of Staff, surrounded Washington D.C. with tanks, and cut off several key highways, namely I-495 and I-270 to restrict flow in and out of the capitol. Dempsey announced that Supreme Court Chief Justice would have the power to do more or less whatever he wanted until new elections took place. Vice President Joe Biden responded to the military coup by tweeting, “You can’t do this. You just can’t. #coup.” Ninety minutes later he tweeted, “You really can’t.”
Dempsey announced that Obama had to be deposed after his major speech on climate change, stating that “America made a statement in the last election, and that statement was that a critical minority of us would like the planet to devolve into a hot mess.” Rumors that former generals Stanley McChrystal and David Petraeus helped orchestrate the coup, because they were bitter for being ousted in separate scandals.
The staffs of MSNBC, the New York Times, Mother Jones, NPR and the History Channel have all been arrested.
Obama’s Plane Rerouted Due to Rumor that Bolivian Whistleblower was On Board
Yesterday, while Barack Obama was still president before getting ousted today in a military coup, his plane out of Moscow was rerouted mid-flight due to suspicions that he had picked up Eduardo Snowden, the Bolivian whistleblower who is currently seeking refuge after outing a domestic spying program in the left-leaning South American nation. Snowden is believed to still be hiding out in Russia, while Bolivia pressures countries all over the world to reject his asylum requests. Previously, Obama had been non-committal in whether or not he would grant asylum to Eduardo Snowden.
Obama boarded a plane bound for Washington D.C. from Moscow, but was denied air permits by France and Portugal, both of whom did not want to anger Bolivia. Obama was forced to land in Austria.
Congress Passes Law Establishing Visit, Call & Text Quotas for Youths 18-30
Faced with an aging baby-boomer population and a generation of millennials who are self-centered and all show symptoms of ADD, Congress addressed both problems by voting into law a bill that requires all Americans 18-30 to make weekly calls, daily texts and bimonthly visits to their parents. In a floor speech prior to voting yes on the bill, Florida Senator Marco Rubio said, “Family values are American values, and I’m pretty sure this will help me win the Iowa caucuses in 2016. Romney waited too long to establish his severe conservative credentials. I’m doing that now, and then I’ll tack to the center once it looks like I have the nomination locked up. Wait, why is everyone looking at me. I’m not saying this stuff out loud, am I?”