Apple Is Releasing A Stylus Even Though Steve Jobs Hated Them

Here's our hand round-up of the new products/slight product upgrades announced at the Apple Event, from styluses to giant screens to an enduringly patient Siri.

Late Apple co-founder's profound dislike of styluses was well-documented. He went as far as to tell his biographer, Walter Isaacson that

"as soon as you have a stylus, you're dead."

But Apple is marching to a very different tune now, having just unveiled a new product to accompany its iPad Pro...a stylus.

Apple Pencil

And they're calling it the Apple Pencil, because when you're shelling out $99 for an accessory that you don't expressly need, you want to be reminded of the fragile sticks that used to break n your elementary school hands.

But enough about the iStickOfDespair. Here's what else Apple premiered in its Apple Event on the eve of the holiday we call Applemas, when we all pay a tithe of our income to the Apple gods of yore.

Next phase of the Apple Watch

  • Maps will now offer transit options


  • New apps such as iTranslate (which translates voice commands into 90 languages)

  • and AirStrip (a health-based app medical professionals can use to view patient info, lab results, and more off the patient's wrist, as well as real-time vital signs).

Apple Watch

  • You can now get a luxury Apple Watch with a leather strap and a special watch face, in case you were hankering for some leather straps and special watch faces.

Apple Watch News

  • New color choices such as gold and rose gold. A portion of sales of Apple Watches with the red band will go to AIDS research, which is very cool.

Recommended: The Internet Hilariously Mocks Apple's New Product Announcements

Next phase of the iPad: the iPad Pro

  • It's so, so big guys. We're talking 12.9-inch screen.
  • So big that it can support a full-sized keyboard

  • At what point are we just hauling around a TV?
  • 5.6 million pixels, or 2732 x 2048 resolution.

  • The new A9X chip is 1.8 times faster than the one used before, so we're talking "desktop class performance."
  • 10 hours of battery life. That's more than the average person.

  • Also, it's also almost as thin as the iPad Air 2, and it only weighs a little more than the original, smaller, utterly inferior, deserving-to-be-spat-upon iPad.
  • Apple acts like it just invented the stylus and the Smart Keyboard. Microsoft Surface Pro users collectively facepalm.

  • Gold, silver, space grey. Gotta catch 'em all.


Next phase of the Apple TV

  • Siri's search function is on-point.
  • If you miss a line of your show or movie, you can ask Siri "what did she say?" And instead of getting annoyed with you like your S.O. Who is also trying to just watch the show, okay?  Siri will turn on captions and replay the scene.
  • Now you can start a game on your iPhone and continue on your Apple TV. *Here, Apple assumes that you own all of their products, including the iCouch and the iNintendo.

Apple TV


Next phase of the iPhone: iPhone 6S and 6S Plus

  • It's the most advanced of all the iPhones to date, guys, in case you had any doubts and just figured they slapped a new price tag on an old model.

iPhone 6S and 6S Plus

  • 5.5 inch display.
  • Silver, gold, rose gold, and space grey. We're holding out for neon chartreuse, thanks.
  • 3D Touch is a new function, meaning that the screen is now so pressure sensitive, it will read your inputs based on how hard or soft you press on it. This will be super cool, until the day it stops working, upon which it will be exponentially more annoying than all previous aging iPhone models. Which is fine, because you'll have a new model ready to buy in no time.
  • 12 megapixel camera, and 5 megapixel Facetime HD camera.
  • Live Photos will let you take 1.5 second clips in place of photos, and use them as your desktop photo.

Read more: Hilarious Apple Watch Parody Slams New Smartwatch

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