Nobody likes an alarmist, but it seems safe to say that if any of the current Republican front-runners for president is elected than the entire country will collapse into a screaming, burning, hellscape-nightmare from which there will be no waking.
“Frontrunner” in this case means Ben Carson, Donald Trump, and maybe Ted Cruz if you’re in a particularly generous mood.
If any of these men are elected people Americans should not only move to Canada but seriously consider volunteering for some sort of experimental government space colony.
What makes this even more infuriating is that there are other, very promising, candidates for the position that we much would rather see take the top job.
Here they are in no particular order.
1. John Kasich
Governor Kasich has some real credentials he brings to the table. He is politically moderate, his ability to create jobs and balance budgets has been proven in Ohio, and he has Executive Branch experience. Of all the Republican candidates Kasich might have the best resume for the position.
2. Marco Rubio
Rubio, like Kasich, has the politically moderate temperament to balance out the more radical factions of his party. He has also managed to stay relatively scandal free while others in the crowded Republican field have succumbed to mud slinging.
If he can keep his nose clean Rubio just might make a decent candidate for president.
3. Paul Ryan
Ryan doesn’t really have anything going for him politically but wouldn’t it be cool if we had a really, really handsome president for a change? Obama isn’t too hard on the eyes, but no other politician can match Ryan’s cold, dead, beautiful eyes.
4. Peyton Manning
Peyton Manning is the greatest quarterback of all time I don’t care what those Brady fans say. Also, he has been a noted Republican donor so he would be a natural fit on their ticket.
If Trump and Carson can jump from zero political experience to leading the race for president then why can’t this all-star quarterback do the same?
A Manning presidency would be a touchdown for the whole country.
5. The Guy Who Directed “Birdman”
This guy's name is super tricky, but he made an awesome movie.
If he can direct Michael Keaton and Ed Norton through two hours of unbroken shots then he can definitely guide this country through an economic crisis better than Trump or Carson would.
6. My High School Buddy Gary
Gary is seriously a great guy and he’s crazy smart. He once jumped like ten soda cans in a row on his skateboard which already makes him more qualified than Trump or Carson.
He works as an aspiring playwright and life coach these days, and he could totally turn this country around.
7. A Picture of Ronald Reagan
If Republicans vote the same way they talk on Facebook than this candidate would win in a landslide.
8. A Broom With A Face Drawn On It
The combination of Carson’s personality, Trump’s hair, and the complete inability to say racist things puts this candidate miles ahead of the current Republican competition.
9. A Rock
Not “The Rock” just a rock. A literal rock would be better.
10. Clint Eastwood
Okay, jokes aside, Clint Eastwood has gone a bit crazy over the years. However, watching him and Vladimir Putin face off in gravel-voiced political meetings would usher in a shining new golden age of awesome for the United States.
Just make sure to surround him with top aides and keep him away from any empty chairs.
Continue Reading: 5 Reasons Republicans Need To Evolve Or Implode In 2015
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