7 Awesomely Terrible Commercials

by
Owen Poindexter
Like movies, there are good commercials, bad commercials (most of them) but the best commercials are awesomely terrible.

Like movies, there are good commercials, bad commercials (most of them) but the best commercials are awesomely terrible. They're like weird low-budget movies. And most of them would be lost forever in olden times, but now we have YouTube, where these legends can live on.

1. Eagleman

Do you have car insurance? You should, because it's mandated by law, and a giant eagle might land on your car, lay an egg, and then offer you car insurance. So, you want to be able to say you already have insurance, because it will make it easier, socially, to get away from the terrifying eagle.

2. WaxVac

Did you know that using cotton swabs in your ears is extremely painful. You didn't? Well it is. Using a Q-tip hurts like crazy. It's a fact. I mean, aren't you convinced by this, "OW!"

3. Aspray

You know it's a great product when it's pronounced like a random product name (A-Spray), but is clearly meant to invoke a different pronunciation (asspray), because, yeah, there is a gap in the market for containing "beastly butt odor."

4. Norton Furniture

Okay, this one is definitely supposed to be funny, but I can't tell how weird it's supposed to be. It's really really weird, I just can't tell how much is intentional. Is that just his normal voice? What to make of the frog? If this was in a David Lynch movie I would think it was brilliant. As it's meant to sell furniture, I don't know how to feel. Oh, and Norton can get even weirder.

5. Vern Fonk

Let's stay creepy for one more. Again, I have to think this guy knows he's being weird (though that's less clear than with Norman), but he's super sincere. His sincerity alone is creepy, but then we zoom out to the family, and you think, whoa, this guy has a wife and kids, and what the hell is it like to be them? I want to watch a Fonk Family, Where Are They Now? Or, I think I want to watch that.

6. UroClub

Okay, backing off creepy, on to a product that looks like eight different disasters waiting to happen. I don't golf, but I can definitely imagine needing to pee in the middle of a golfing afternoon, and that could get dicey. Still, a fake club to pee into? Could be tricky to pull off in a group, no? Even with the towel that comes with it? And what is this thing's capacity? All that said, something tells me this thing sells.

7. ShamWow

Let's finish this one off with a classic. This isn't a bad commercial, it's an amazing one. Not only did it brighten countless late nights of years past, it makes a product that's likely useless in real life seem utterly magical. It can suck out cola through a rug! It absorbs everything and never drips! You rub it on your kitchen counter and the counter is immediately sparkling! I want one.

Let's stay with the ShamWow a little longer. I want to examine some of the claims here.

1. "ShamWow holds 20 times its weight in liquid." This sounded utterly absurd when I first heard it, but I suppose those things aren't exactly heavy. How much does a sponge hold? Maybe this is true.

2. "Why do you want to work twice as hard?" As what? As you would with a sponge, I guess. That seems like an exaggeration. But maybe it isn't! Maybe I've been laboring unnecessarily for twice as long as I've needed to all these years!

3. "You know the Germans always make good stuff." It's true, I did know that.

4. "Olympic divers, they use it as a towel." I really hope this is true. If drying off quickly is important to your career, who wouldn't want to use the magic ShamWow. I'm also glad to see that you can use ShamWow on your car, boat or dog.

5. "It can absorb 50% of the cola" by placing it on a cola-soaked rug and not even putting any pressure on it. That's because the ShamWow is magical and borderline conscious.

6. "You'll be saying 'wow' every time." I'm pretty sure this is the point of owning a ShamWow.

7. "You're going to spend $20 a month on paper towels anyway." I have probably spent a little more than $20 on paper towels in my life. But hey, if I can just use a ShamWow instead of the next $20, I'll still take it. I guess.

8. "This [sponge] lasts a week." Okay, I've realized something. This guy is all about spilling stuff. It's a big part of his deal. That's the only way a sponge could last only a week or you would spend $20 a month on paper towels. I can see why he's so enthusiastic about the ShamWow now.

9. "Beware of ShamWow imitators." Ooh, that is a concern. How will I know? There are a lot of charlatans out there, peddling their fake ShamWows. Beware, people, beware.

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