So, while you’re out celebrating, crafting resolutions, and imbibing one or two adult beverages, just remember that the politicians you know and love are doing the same.
Here are the resolutions that these candidates, who are more like family to you now if you’re being honest, will be working on tonight.
Resolution: Finally find the comb he lost in 1978.
Resolution: Write more handwritten letters.
Resolution: Get Jeff Garlin to finally sign that contract and agree to star in his biopic.
Resolution: Find, and slay, the sea-witch who stole his voice.
Resolution: Find a DeLorean, go back in time, and make sure his parents get together so he can stop himself from fading away altogether.
Resolution: Eat enough Rare Candies to evolve into Marco Diamondo (if you don’t get that joke you’re childhood was lame).
Resolution: Figure out this “Ben Ghazi” was that everyone was freaking out over.
Resolution: Get to a place where people finally stop asking him “What line of work are you in?”
Continue Reading: Is America Finally Ready For A Socialist?
Happy New Year! Let's hope that 2016 brings a lot more of some of these candidates, and a lot less of others.
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