New Year's Resolutions For The Top Presidential Candidates

by
Joe Durbin
Happy New Year's Eve everyone! Trump is just one of the many political candidates that have given this year its more...unique moments.

This has been an insane year. Bill Cosby is now a sex offender, Bruce Jenner is now a woman, and Donald Trump is a leading political candidate. Who would’ve thunk it.

So, while you’re out celebrating, crafting resolutions, and imbibing one or two adult beverages, just remember that the politicians you know and love are doing the same.

Here are the resolutions that these candidates, who are more like family to you now if you’re being honest, will be working on tonight.

Bernie Sanders

Bernie Sanders

Party: Democrat

Resolution: Finally find the comb he lost in 1978.

Hillary Clinton

Hillary Clinton

Party: Democrat

Resolution: Write more handwritten letters. 

Chris Christie

Chris Christie

Party: Republican

Resolution: Get Jeff Garlin to finally sign that contract and agree to star in his biopic.

Ben Carson

Ben Carson

Party: Republican

Resolution: Find, and slay, the sea-witch who stole his voice.

Jeb Bush

Jeb Bush

Party: Republican

Resolution: Find a DeLorean, go back in time, and make sure his parents get together so he can stop himself from fading away altogether.

Marco Rubio

Marco Rubio

Party: republican

Resolution: Eat enough Rare Candies to evolve into Marco Diamondo (if you don’t get that joke you’re childhood was lame).

Donald Trump

Donald Trump

Party: Republican

Resolution: Figure out this “Ben Ghazi” was that everyone was freaking out over.

Martin O’Malley

Martin O’Malley

Party: Democrat

Resolution: Get to a place where people finally stop asking him “What line of work are you in?”

Continue Reading: Is America Finally Ready For A Socialist?

Happy New Year! Let's hope that 2016 brings a lot more of some of these candidates, and a lot less of others. 

Banner Image: Reuters

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