A group of U.S. Marines suffered a hilarious and brutal defeat at the hands of a bunch of children outside a school in the Norwegian city of Trondheim.
An anonymous U.S. Marine explains in a blog post on Speisa that he and his infantry unit were doing a mock war in a large, snowy soccer field next to an elementary school with German, Dutch, and other allies.
“Keep in mind there was no actual combat, even simulated,” he explains. “It was mostly just practicing maneuvers and tactics. But we still looked out of place with weapons and gear.”
Allegedly, his unit decided that they wanted to head to a nearby gas station in order to get a bacon-wrapped hot dog he dubbed “Candy of the Lord.” On their way over, the school bell for the elementary school sounded and a few kids walked out of the main entrance, gawking at the soldiers in their uniforms.
Suddenly, “God help me I don’t know who,” he said, someone in his unit threw a snowball at one of the kids walking out of the school.
That’s when all hell broke loose.
Kids flooded out of the school, screeching, smiling, sprinting with ungodly speed, “slinging snowballs faster than the laws of physics should allow.”
“It was like that movie Elf,” he explains. “If you can image riding in a fast car in a snowstorm and sticking your head out the window, imagine the snowflakes that are hitting your face are the size of snowballs. We couldn’t see a damn thing. We couldn’t run. We could barely breathe.”
This highly-trained infantry unit from South Carolina—where there is no snow—was completely out of their element; after a few lame attempts to throw some snowballs back at the children, they tried to maneuver around them.
“We were cut off from our main forces. We tried to perform a flanking maneuver but they were too fast,” he said. “I think some of them were throwing rocks!”
Read on to find out what happened next:
“As for my comrades. I could see them speed waddling in their huge suits back to camp like a messed up pair of white Teletubbies, under withering fire. Screw tactics, screw me, screw the Candy of the Lord, this was survival! I was the slow one in the group. My snow boots were too big but they were the smallest size they had at Issue!! My Marines had left me behind.
“I tried pulling my hood over my head and keeping my head down. No longer content to pelt my defenseless body with ballistic snow, the enemy swarmed me and dragged me down, cackling like a pack of hyenas descending on a wildebeest. I tried to sling them off by spinning. I came out of one of my boots and fell. I began to scream and plead for them to stop but they neither understood nor gave a single Nordic damn. They literally pinned me down with about five kids on each limb. It was then that I actually thought - oh [no]. I'm really in trouble. My snow-mittens were ripped off and flung into trees. They started shoving snow down my suit. Have you ever had anyone drop an ice cube down your shirt?
“Well now imagine someone shoveling handfuls of ice cubes down your shirt. It literally shocked the breath out of my body.
“They left me laying like a Family Guy accident victim. Moaning and screaming in the cold. Rifle packed with snow and dirt. Boot buried somewhere. They ran away laughing, jabbering in their crazy language. I lay there trying to figure out just what in the great American hell had happened.”
It just goes to show—you don’t mess with Norwegian kids!
Banner Image Credit: United States Marine Corps/WikiCommons