Obama Leaves No Survivors At White House Correspondents' Dinner Roast

by
Amna Shoaib
Watch Barack Hussein Obama as he casually slays everyone.

Barack Obama and crew SNL-ed harder than SNL itself this Saturday at the White House Correspondents' Dinner, or what Washington lovingly calls the "nerd prom." Obama was joined by the show's Cecily Strong and their onslaught left no survivors.

Obama Demolishes Friends

The laid-back, mild-mannered president had to get an anger translator to convey the true weight of his words to an audience who might just be taking him too lightly. Enter Keegan-Michael Key of the comedic duo Kay & Peele. Here is how it went:

Obama: And it's not just Republicans, Hillary will have to raise huge sums of money, too.

Anger translator: Oh yea, she's gonna get that money. She gonna get all the money. Khaleesi is coming to Westeros. Watch out.

Hillary's Financial Crisis

Obama was quick to call BS on Hillary's assertion that she and Bill were "dead broke" when they left White House.

In an apparent allusion to this and Hillary's listening tours, he observed, "For many Americans, this is still a time of deep uncertainty.

"I have one friend ... just a few weeks ago she was making millions of dollars a year, and she’s now living out of a van in Iowa.” 

Obama even shared his favorite photo of Hillary Clinton:

Obama Demolishes Friends

The Mandatory Boehner-Netanyahu Quip

Obama talked about the process of ageing with: "I look so old [House Speaker] John Boehner's already invited [Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin] Netanyahu to speak at my funeral."

And Cecily Strong remarked, "Your hair is so white, it can talk back to the police."

Well-played.

Obama Demolishes Friends

The Biden Jibe 

The president threw back to that one time when Vice President Biden had us all scared when he got a little too touchy-feely with Defense Secretary Ash Carter's wife.

"Those Joe Biden shoulder massages, they're like magic," Obama joked. "You should try one. Oh you have?"

Indiana's LGBT laws were demolished after Obama's attack. As a way of trying to make it up to Biden, Obama proclaimed, "I love that man. We've gotten so close that some places in Indiana won't serve us pizza any more."

Obama's Bucket List

Turns out the president doesn't have a bucket list, so much as something that rhymes with bucket. 

"Take executive action on immigration. Bucket. New climate regulations. Bucket. It’s the right thing to do."

Let's Move? Let's Not.

Not even the first lady went by unscathed. Still on a roll about his noticeable ageing: 

"Meanwhile, Michelle hasn’t aged a day. I ask her what her secret is and she just says [Obama adopts a whiny voice] “fresh fruits and vegetables.” It’s aggravating."

Michelle probably just let that one roll right off her toned back.

Obama Demolishes Friends

Carbonated.TV