Olympic committee, the 2014 Sochi Olympics perpetuate an oversight since 1992. I speak, of course, of ski ballet, which ceased to be an Olympic event twenty-two years ago.
While the Olympics continues to lavish attention on figure skating, which is essentially the same sport on ice, ski ballet has been shunned after appearing in only two Winter Olympics.
Please consider these superior elements of ski ballet:
1. You can flip around on your poles. Figure skating offers no such fun use of props.
2. No frilly costumes. Figure skating has become a war of the bedazzled. Ski ballet takes place outside in the cold where the weird sparkly costumes are discarded for more practical skiwear. There are some shiny sleeves, but that's it.
3. You can bang your poles on the snow! What's figure skating's respond to that? The hip shake? Lame.
4. Ski ballet commentators say awesome things:
"Oh, a two and a half stay-cross. That was fabulous."
"This is a high-bred ballet skier."
"Two and a half thumper!"
"When he's not ballet skiing--believe it or not--he likes to drive his Audi Quattro about 120 miles an hour down the Autobahn."
For the good of the artistic community, the integrity of the Olympic Committee, and the far-reaching benefits to the world at large, we urge the Olympic Committee to reinstate ski ballet in time for the 2018 Winter Olympics.
For now, enjoy this treasured relic from the past: