Planet Earth, still intact on account of my nonstop blogging.
This is my one thousandth post on Carbonated.tv. It’s been a long run, but well worth it. While the rest of you enjoy your cushy jobs that work you just hard enough to justify an evening beer, I am churning out world-saving problems. Surely you have heard about how I dealt with that pesky climate change thing and fixed campaign finance. That last one is why Congress actually solves problems now. Of course, before that, I provided a workaround for campaigns that were getting outraised by their opponents. And thank goodness I solved the bee die-offs. Had I not written this blog post, we would be screeeeeeewed.
When the market demanded lighter topics, I cracked the whole “gluten sensitivity” thing, gave lazy Nate Silver something to do, and, changed baseball’s instant replay system by getting rid of the obvious flaw it had when initially released (which was yesterday). I also provided a simple mathematical formula to help you decide whether or not to text and drive.
You know how there aren’t any billionaires anymore? They read this post and immediately gave away money until they were down to nine digits.
Also, I hope you are all proud of me for staying on as a blogger, even though I am now a multi-millionaire.
While it seems so normal now that Veterans Day and Election Day are the same day, it was actually just last fall that I instituted that change. It was also around that time that I convinced everyone to let Texas secede and legalize marijuana (Sanjay Gupta eventually conceded that I was right). And you know the high speed rail line between San Francisco and L.A.? You’re welcome.
Of course, once in a while some hard-hitting reporting is called for. Between policy overhauls, I invented what quickly became a cultural staple of ending headlines with “Yeah,” and reported on the den of the unicorn, which, unlike its hornless cousin, the alleged “horse,” was found in North Korea. I managed to find five stories even more important than that British couple having a baby. I also explained why you’ve been having trouble having kids. I was among the first to break the White House petition to punch Grover Norquist in the dick.
Finally, I would be remiss to point out that many of you are enjoying this blog post on your first of three days off. It will be fun telling our kids about the days everyone worked five days a week, until some guy wrote a blog post.
How will I reshape Planet Earth with my next thousand? Who knows, baby, I’m just getting warmed up.